Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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