3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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