Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
