I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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