i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
