Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
