I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
