Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Randomize
