I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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