So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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