a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
