the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
