Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
