I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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