last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
