Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
