You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
