i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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