when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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