im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
