im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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