oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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