Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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