I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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