the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
