I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
