after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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