google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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