I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
