my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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