dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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