i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
