I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm at about main and main street
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
