just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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