hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just invented taco cereal.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
