omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
