i just had sex bonerless
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
