I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Randomize
