just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
