I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
