I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
