When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
