nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
