my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
