She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
