Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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