That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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