My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
