Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
