i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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